


studies in physical vs. emotional proximity

by piedpiper



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Jim Kirk Bangs Too Many People, M/M, Stop Being So Heterosexual Jim, Unrequited Love, aka canon Spirk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-14
Updated: 2014-03-14
Packaged: 2018-01-15 15:41:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1310182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/piedpiper/pseuds/piedpiper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At some point, Spock has started touching the shoulder of his captain's chair in lieu of touching the shoulder of his captain, and he's not sure when that was.</p>
            </blockquote>





	studies in physical vs. emotional proximity

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Физические упражнения против эмоциональной близости](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1659038) by [krasnoe_solnishko](https://archiveofourown.org/users/krasnoe_solnishko/pseuds/krasnoe_solnishko)



> Pretty much canon, or at least canon plus some extrapolation. Just watch how much time Spock spends with his hand on that chair in the third season of TOS. Just... watch it.

At some point, Spock has started touching the shoulder of his captain's chair in lieu of touching the shoulder of his captain, and he's not sure when that was.

They don't flirt anymore. They used to flirt all the time; there was a one- or two-year period of grace after the first officer and his new captain had gotten used to each other, with a little code of smiles and eyebrow lifts and exchanged "Mr. Spock"s and "Captain"s with that little lilt in them and eye contact held for a little too long. It was daring and terrifying and a little bit paralyzing, because it was clear there could be _nothing_ done or said which could be held up as proof, as indecorum or favoritism. They both _knew_ Starfleet captains were not allowed to have unprofessional relationships with any of their crew, let alone a first officer and a Vulcan. But oh, it was good. F _riendship_ , that was the word he used to describe it and that was bad enough for a Vulcan, but in his own head he used other words and hated himself for it and carried on all the same. That was the period he finally discovered that there were no Vulcan elders standing over his shoulder with punishments for any show of emotion, no matter how slight, and when he discovered that his shipmates might laugh if he slipped once in a while but they wouldn't _hate_ him for it. And his captain liked to hold eye contact with him for just seconds longer than the norm.

That was before he realized that Kirk liked to flirt with _everyone._

That was before he realized that he and Kirk and McCoy had become a triumvirate, a threesome of friends (or approximately friends, from varying directions) who would all sacrifice themselves for one another with no questions asked. That was before his and Kirk's relationship turned from something professional-with-an-added-angle to something _intense,_ something which either of them would be willing to put the entire crew of the Enterprise into danger in order to preserve, something not about flirtation anymore.

Kirk will kiss almost any beautiful woman he meets and he _seems_ to enjoy it. Kirk is willing to _marry_ almost any beautiful woman he meets, and sometimes he courts for information but just as often he doesn't, and Spock can remember the exact moment he walked in on Edith Keeler and his captain kissing in the hallway in that ancient little Earth town and he realized that it was never, ever going to be him. The women were there for the biological functions and Kirk's first officer was there to be always at his side whether there was compensation or not.

Kirk used to touch him all the time. Not in a _touch_ -y way, just an accidental brush against his shoulder or back or a grabbing of his forearm in moments of stress, things that anyone but a hormonal, physical-contact-deprived Vulcan would probably never have noticed. Spock tried not to do it to him unless he had to. Occasionally he forgot. But in those brief, heartstoppingly, disproportionately wonderful moments, he couldn't remember having ever been happier or more miserable, and he knew he would never be a true Vulcan as long as he lived.

And then Kirk stopped touching him.

Maybe he figured it out. Maybe he got bored. Maybe McCoy said something to him. Maybe it was coincidence. But there was no more too-long eye contact and no more accidental brushes. They just... stopped happening, somehow, sometime. 

Spock _aches_ inside to touch him. To touch him and not _stop_ touching him, really, but even a brief moment would be better than nothing. He can't. He knows Kirk would notice. Every other crew member would certainly notice. 

He touches the chair instead. He stands behind it and puts his hand on the corner like it's his captain's shoulder and keeps it there, and can almost imagine it really is. He touches it often, and nobody notices. He touches it every chance he gets.

Kirk kisses other people and doesn't notice Spock's fingers always inches behind his shoulders, even once.


End file.
